Here she goes again

Ok, China. I've got a new visa. My flight leaves from Denver on Saturday morning and this time I am ready for you. No games this time. No tricks. I'm coming back on the condition that you and I have an open and honest relationship. I realize that I may be better at this than you, so I will try to be patient.

I've felt a little guilty the past ten days, because whenever someone asks me "How is China?" I’ve been telling them how difficult it is, that I am less than thrilled. While that's not untrue, it is not the whole truth. I like experiencing the different culture and language and I like knowing that there are struggles I can handle. Part of me was afraid that I was a bit of a princess and couldn't deal with the hard stuff, but now I know I can - I just don't want to. Then again, who does? It’s good to know what your limitations are and how much you can actually put up with. I know I get homesick easily, but can tough it out if need be.

While I've been home, many people have been asking me, "Why are you going back? If you don't like it there, why don't you just come home, start a life, and enjoy yourself?" I must be honest; it's a tempting idea. I've considered applying for a job at the Laramie Community College. I know they're looking for lecturers for the spring semester; but there is a major part of me that doesn't want to chicken out on China, that I would feel like somewhat of a failure and a coward for coming back so soon and not sticking it out. The whole point of me going to China was to have the full experience of living for a year in a third-world developing country and having more to write about. This is the problem with growing up Catholic: you stay in relationships you know aren’t working because you are taught to follow through on your commitments.

So I'm pressing on. I'll return to China on Saturday, finish my current job in Hangzhou for the next three months, and then move to Beijing. Now that I know what is in store for me in the months to come, I think I'm up for it. I may not like things the way they are now, but I am convinced that everything will change in December. I keep repeating that, but it may be because I'm trying to convince myself that it's true. It's my new mantra. "Everything will be all right in December. Everything will be all right in December. Everything will be all right in December..."